Warning – the following video is quite bizarre……watch at your own risk. You may never think of ugly Christmas sweaters the same way again!
Dear Santa – why are Christmas sweaters so ugly? They burn my eyes so much. They look like Rudolph sneezed on my chest! Signed, Burn D Shirt.
Now Burn D, why are Christmas sweaters so ugly? Simply, because most people are idiots. See, having a good sense of fashion is kind of like brushing your teeth….in that if you don’t, everybody will know, and nobody will want to make out with you!
See, the first ugly Christmas sweater was hand crafted by none other than Pope Gregory the Great. Pope Gregory picked up this secret tendency to crochet on weeknights, when he wasn’t waging war with the Lombards. And it was around Christmas in the year 594 that he decided to knit his aunt Matilda one of these so called Christmas sweaters.
As soon as the pope did this, tmz.com did this huge cover story, with the headline reading “God wills it”. And before long, Ryan Seacrest, in a phone interview with Miley Cyrus, leaked that he had crocheted a similar sweater for Justin Bieber the night before.
Well, Justin Bieber (who was sick with Bieber Fever), initially denied these allegations. His publicist a week later, in an interview with Conan O’brien, and team Coco, admitted that Justin had indeed worn a Christmas sweater at a party at Jay Z’s house the night before, but that he hadn’t inhaled.
Eventually, Bill O’reilly stopped the spin in the no spin zone, but the damage had already been done. Before long, from Paris to London, and from London to New York, runways were littered with thousands of these horrendously conceived Christmas sweaters.
But you see, there is still hope. YOU can reverse this trend of fashion deprived Christmas apparel by refusing to wear a Christmas sweater. Instead, ,go for a nice and classy argyle pattern or something similar. Show that you have taste this Christmas!